Sometimes it’s nice to remind ourselves of the humorous side to being a retail pharmacist, so here are a few of our favorite pharmacist, medicine and other jokes. Enjoy and feel free to share with us any funny personal experiences or pharmacy jokes you come across!
One-liners
A customer who always buys his lenses from us asked me to put this notice up on our window – “To the person who stole my glasses – I will find you… I have contacts!”
The shop next to our pharmacy advertises pens that can write under water! It’s amazing! We tested it, and we could write “under water”, and other words as well!
My psychotherapist has told me to try and stay positive, so I was really happy to get a full tank of gas for just $50 today, even though it was just for the lawnmower!
When I woke up this morning, I couldn’t see myself in the mirror – I had turned invisible! So I went to get an appointment with my psychiatrist. She couldn’t see me!
Waiting room stories #1
Two young boys were lying on stretchers next to each other outside of the operating room.
The first boy leans over and asks, “What are you going in for?”
“I’m here to get my tonsils out and I’m nervous,” the second boy says.
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about! I had that done when I was seven. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of ice cream and Jell-O. It’s great!”
“Well, what are you here for?” the second kid asks.
“I have to have a circumcision.” The first kid replies sadly.
The second kid says “Oh no! I had that done when I was just 8 days old, no anesthetic, and I couldn’t walk for a year!”
Waiting room stories #2
Four men are in the obstetrics waiting room waiting for news about their babies. The nurse walks in and tells the first man: “Congratulations – you’re having twins.” The man responds: “That’s great – I’m the pitcher for the Minnesota Twins.”
The nurse tells the second man: “Congratulations – your wife has delivered triplets.” The man responds “That’s great – I’m the president of 3M.”
The nurse tells the third man: “Congratulations – your wife is having quadruplets.” The third man responds “That’s great – I’m the manager of the Four Seasons hotel.”
The fourth man is screaming and banging his head on the wall. The nurse asks him: “What’s wrong?” He responds “What am I going to do – I work at 7Up!”
Waiting room stories #3
A little girl and boy are in a doctor’s waiting room. The little girl starts to cry so the little boy asks her “What’s wrong?” The little girl responds “I have to get a blood test. I think they’re going to cut off the tip of my finger.” The little boy screams “Oh no! I’m here to get a urine test!”
Memories are made of this.
A guy came into the pharmacy, asking for our help. “There’s a song going through my head 24-hours a day, and I can’t sleep, I can’t relax, I just can’t think straight anymore,” he complained. “Can you give me a sedative or something to rest my brain for just a minute?” “What’s the song?”, we asked. It’s “My, my my Delilah – it keeps repeating and repeating, and it just won’t go away….”
Our team had the right answer right away – “that sounds like a case of Tom Jones Syndrome.” The guy said, “I never heard of that. Is it rare?” Our reply … “It’s not unusual.”
Unusual remedy!
A middle-aged woman rushed into the doctor’s office, but her usual physician was busy. She demanded to be seen by any available doctor because it was urgent, so she was taken immediately to one of the new young doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she ran screaming down the hall. Her old doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down quietly in another room. He marched down into the new doctor’s room and shouted: “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Thomas is 67 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant with twins!” The new doctor continued to write on his laptop, and without looking up, said: “Does she still have hiccups?”
Getting the message
A few weeks ago, a walk-in health clinic opened next to our pharmacy. We were happy, because it meant business for us. There was a flashing neon sign on the door – Medical services here…You won’t get any better. I wonder why we never saw any patients!
Good choice!
I woke up this morning with red and itching patches all over my body. My instinct was to go straight to the medicine cabinet and put on whatever ointment I could find, but then I realized that one should never make rash decisions before checking!
Unusual remedies
If you want to stop tiny ants from coming into your house, leave a saucer of milk outside. The adult ants drink it and it has an effect on their reproduction. Their young are born without toes so they can’t crawl into your house. The scientific name is lack toes in toddler ants.
The Pharmacists’ Morning
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the druggist. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone, and then he insulted me terribly.”
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist & demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I’d locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving as fast as I could go, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.”
“When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.”
He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.”
“Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me, mister, all I did was tell her what to do with it!”
Your father the pharmacist
A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
“Well,” he said, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while, and I want the condoms because I think tonight’s the night’. First, we’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out. And I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky after that. I think you’d better give me the 12 pack.” The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give a blessing over the food, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, “You never told me that you were such a religious person.” He leans over to her and whispers, “You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.”
Another problem with hiccups
A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for something for his hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man’s face.
“What did you do that for?” the man asks.
“Well, you don’t have the hiccups anymore, do you?”
The man says, “No, but my wife out in the car still does!”
Pillbox 🙂
A pharmacist is going over the directions on a prescription bottle with an elderly patient. “Be sure not to take this more often than every 4 hours,” the pharmacist says. “Don’t worry,” replies the patient. “It takes me 4 hours to get the lid off”.
Local Application
Customer gets a topical cream. Directions: Apply locally two times a day. Customer says to the pharmacist: “I can’t apply locally, I’m going overseas.”
Spelling counts
A man walks into a pharmacy with a giant rabbit hopping behind him. He tells the pharmacist, “I have good news and bad news for you. The good news is your hair growth formula works. The bad news is that you really need a spell checker!
(Get it? Hare/hair?!)
Ancient medicine
What’s the first mention of medicine in the Bible? It’s when Moses received the two tablets!
Politics
There is now bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain.
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.
Ancient medicine #2
A tribesman went to his village medicine man and asked for a colonic to relieve his constipation. The medicine man said, “Let’s try something else first.”
He opened a jar and pulled out a bunch of dried-out fern leaves, and placed them in a cup of hot water. He told the man to let it brew a bit and then to sip it slowly.
The man did that, and then suddenly he leapt up and charged out of the tent, coming back a few minutes later to thank the medicine man, with a hunk of caribou meat in payment for his relief. Moral of the story? “With fronds like these, who needs enemas!”
The right medicine works!
The other day, our head pharmacist asked me if I knew why a customer was standing outside, leaning against the wall and not moving. I replied “Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him a bottle of laxative.”
The pharmacist said, “That’s wrong, you idiot! You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
I replied, “Oh yeah? Look at him, he’s afraid to cough!”
That’s it for now but we’d love to hear your funny pharmacy stories and made-up pharmacist jokes so please share them with us.
*with special thanks to sources like Reddit for providing us with some of these jokes!
